Living with Pain, Fibromyalgia and Arthritis

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had back and hip pain. Even as a child, my body ached. My parents always called it “growing pains,” and maybe it was. But sometimes, I wonder now if it was the very beginning of something more, childhood idiopathic arthritis. Pain has been a constant companion in my life.

In my teens, the aches became severe. My depression was a shadow that followed me everywhere, a nemesis I couldn’t shake. Looking back, most of my pain was in my joints. My knuckles and fingers always hurt, but I never thought much of it. I wasn’t one to pop my fingers, but one day in high school, a friend taught me how. The relief was incredible, and I started doing it myself. I bent down to pop my knees, too, trying to relieve the constant ache. Nights were the hardest. As soon as my body relaxed, every joint seemed to remind me of its presence. I began sleeping with a pillow between or under my legs for comfort. I didn’t understand why I hurt. I chalked it up to running, school exercise, cheerleading, and tumbling. My body did all the things a normal kid’s body did, but mine always seemed to protest. Looking back, I realize my struggles weren’t just physical.

My mental health suffered, too. Growing up with a mentally ill mother and experiencing my parents’ divorce left me living in chaos. Although living with a narcissistic, mentally ill mother was chaos my whole life. Anxiety and panic attacks became part of my reality, though at the time, I didn’t know what they were. I remember being taken to the health department once, and the doctors told my mother it was an asthma attack. This was the 1980s, a time when mental health wasn’t discussed openly. Depression and anxiety weren’t understood, and people who struggled were often labeled as “crazy.”Thankfully, today we have more understanding, more resources, and more compassion for those who suffer silently. But back then, I had to navigate both pain and fear on my own.And that’s just the beginning of my journey.

In my next post, I’ll share more of my story, the rollercoaster of pain and depression I experienced as a teen and even geting married at the early age of 15 years old. The small victories that kept me going. If you’ve ever felt like your body was working against you, or like the world didn’t understand what you were going through, I hope my story helps you know you’re not alone.

Remember: even on the toughest days, there’s always a reason to hold on, a reason to keep moving forward.